How will we approach spending time with extended family?

A new baby doesn’t just change your sleep schedule, your fridge contents, and your concept of time. It also shifts how you relate to the people around you, especially family.

For some couples, extended family is the dream team. They’re the people you call first, the ones who bring soup and hold the baby while you nap. For others, family time brings up anxiety, cultural clashes, or the need for tighter boundaries.

Wherever you fall on that spectrum, or even if you’re in different places from each other, the key is to get on the same page before the texts and visits start rolling in.

Start with what you hope family time will feel like

Before you get into rules or schedules, start with the heart. What do each of you want this season to feel like?

• Do you want a house full of people who feel like home?

• Do you imagine long stretches with just the three of you?

• Are there family traditions or holidays you look forward to sharing?

• Is there someone special you want present for milestones, such as your baby's first birthday, religious ceremonies, or cultural celebrations?

Even if you're not 100% sure yet, voicing your instincts helps you understand each other better.

Explore what family means to each of you

Ask each other:

• When you think about family supporting us, what does that actually look like?

• Are there people you hope our baby knows deeply?

• Are there dynamics or events that feel hard to navigate, particularly during gatherings or holidays?

You might crave connection while your partner craves quiet. That’s okay. You’re building a shared approach, not copying anyone else’s.

Set expectations that match your energy

You don’t need a year-long master plan. But a few thoughtful conversations now can ease tension later.

• How often do we want visitors in the early weeks?

• What role will extended family play during holidays or birthdays?

• Are we willing to travel with a baby, or hoping others come to us?

• Are there sacred routines we’d prefer to keep private?

Setting expectations ahead of time helps prevent misunderstandings or avoidable stress.

Make room for changing needs

You might think you’ll want space and end up feeling lonely. Or you might crave family time and suddenly find yourself overwhelmed. This doesn’t mean you did it wrong. It means you’re human. Check in regularly:

• “Is this still working for us?”

• “Are we feeling pressure about that upcoming gathering?”

• “Do we need more time to ourselves or more connection?”

Give each other room to feel differently

One of you might feel comforted by a parent’s presence, while the other feels crowded. One might want a big holiday dinner, the other might need a quiet morning at home.

You don’t have to agree on everything. What matters most is that you respect each other’s experience. Try saying:

• “I know holidays mean a lot to your family. Let’s figure out what feels doable this year.”

• “That gathering feels like a lot to me. Can we find a compromise?”

Say yes and no with love

Whether you're inviting your parents to move in for a month or asking for a little breathing room, clarity and kindness go a long way. Try:

• “We’d love to see you, and shorter visits help us stay grounded right now.”

• “We’re taking the first few weeks to ourselves and can’t wait to celebrate together soon.”

• “We’re skipping travel this year, but we’d love to include you in our first holiday season as a family.”

When I first started thinking about this, I was focusing mostly on boundaries, probably because that felt like the default. In my culture, it’s expected that family will be very involved with a new baby. I wasn’t against that, but I found myself preoccupied with figuring out where I might need to draw the line.

Once our daughter was born, I realized those boundaries I’d been so focused on didn’t matter to me as much as I thought they were supposed to. There are still a few things we’re clear on, and our families have been really respectful of those.

But what’s mattered more is how much I’ve loved spending time with our families and watching them with our baby.

I know we’re lucky, so I’m not sharing this as universal wisdom, just a personal story, in case it’s helpful as you find your own way

Final thought: build the family culture you want

This baby isn’t just joining your families. They’re helping you create a new one.

That might mean Sunday dinners with three generations, or cozy holidays in pajamas with no guests. It might mean starting new traditions, reimagining old ones, or doing things entirely your own way.

What matters most? That you’re making choices together, grounded in love, respect, and a shared sense of what feels right for your growing family.

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